CLASSIFIED, INTERNAL USE ONLY
##### SAS Zone Distribution Formula #####
DO NOT DISTRIBUTE
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STATUS PASSENGERS
Eurobonus Pandion: Zone A, and presented with a deep bow (knee-level or deeper) upon boarding.
Eurobonus Diamond: Zone A, unless the passenger has travelled to Auckland in excess of two (2) times over the past three years, in which case the Zone-field will be left blank to instil some well deserved guilt and/or fear and/or confusion. If the passenger points out this error, apologise insincerely for any inconvenience caused, and promise that it will be made up for by copious amounts of Ringi once the flight has departed.*
* Offer only valid until claimed by one person, or within 254 seconds of takeoff, whichever comes first.
Eurobonus Gold: Zone A, but with a 35% chance of the passengers FF status being randomly "lost" from the booking, in which case the Zone assigned will be a random number between 6 and 24. If the passenger questions why they have a numerical value under Zone, while everyone else has a letter, inspect the boarding pass in a shocked and nervous manner for five seconds, then look up at the passenger. Astonished gaping is non-optional. Do not blink. Look at the passenger for ten seconds before looking back down at the boarding pass, reading their name out loudly, slowly, and incorrectly, then say "Hang on for just a moment, I need to make some phone calls". Pick up the phone, and alternate between looking at the passenger and a random screen until the passenger walks away.
Eurobonus Silver: The guidance below applies (non status passengers), but if inspected closely the letter under boarding zone will consist of microscopic writing spelling out "You already got one freaking piece of luggage for free, you whining freeloader!"
Star Alliance Gold: Zone A, but only if the passenger can present the relevant frequent flyer membership card, their passport, a library card, and no fewer then 3 other documents confirming their identity.
Passengers travelling with and/or on the same PNR as a passenger with status: The guidance below applies (non-status passengers). If a status-carrying passenger asks whether their travelling companions can board along with them, the appropriate response is to laugh hysterically until the passenger runs away.
NON STATUS PASSENGERS
SAS Business (long haul): Zone A. Due to safety regulations any passenger wearing a suit is required to perform the chicken dance before being permitted to board.
SAS Plus (long haul): Zone C, mainly so they can look at the Y… then back to the C… then at the Y again… then back at the C, and regret the choices in their life that lead up to this moment. This approach is being pushed by marketing as a way to increase the sales of tickets in business class.
SAS Plus (short haul): Zone B, because, frankly, we blocked off more letters than we know what to do with, and we might as well use the B somewhere.
The remainder of the zones are assigned using a point passed system which has been developed in order to maximise the perceived efficiency of boarding. Points are added up based on the following criteria, and their boarding zone will be determined using the table below:
Passenger has an aisle seat: 10.6 points
Passenger has a middle seat: 5.3 points, and a kick to the shin (adding injury to insult, no additional charge)
Passenger is sitting in the middle third of the plane: 5.1 points
Passenger is sitting in the front third of the plane: 12.41 points
The letter "W" appears anywhere on the passengers boarding pass: 24.85 points
Passenger has on a previous occasion attempted to board out of turn: 54.21 points
Passenger has a Norwegian-branded luggage tag: 78.63 points
Passenger is wearing a travel-neck-pillow around their neck prior to boarding: 82.23 points
Round the result up to the next whole number, unless it's a Tuesday, in which case the number must be rounded down.
Note: For safety reasons, passengers travelling on the same booking can never be assigned the same boarding zone. If passengers on the same booking end up being assigned the same zone as per the rules above, the passengers will be required to play rock paper scissors to determine their new boarding zones.
Zone D: 0 - 4 points
Zone E: 5 - 16 points
Zone F: 17 - 53 points
Zone G: 54 - 100 points
Zone H: 101+ points
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